“A North Carolina police officer has been fired after being caught on camera saying he “can’t wait” to slaughter Black people and that a civil war was needed to wipe them out.”

https://www.newsweek.com/three-officers-fired-racist-comments-1513286

I thought twice about sharing this article. I don’t want to be a spreader of hate. I tried to suppress it, along with my deep deep grief.

But after about five hours of holding it in, the dam broke. All of the feelings enveloped me. And I allowed myself to cry, gasp, scream and cry some more.

In the process I realized I was feeling embarrassed and ashamed, as if somehow I did something wrong or bad to deserve this kind of hate.

I wonder if this is how a person feels when they’ve been living in an abusive relationship for a long time and the truth comes out publicly?

I’m so glad I didn’t stay there for long; personalizing this hate as if it means something about me. Instead of trying to suppress it, what I needed was to fully express it.

Just as my grief bubbled up and over, I had to jump on zoom with one of my mentors for a previously scheduled meeting.

Fortunately this was someone who has earned the right to my hear my story. So rather than rescheduling, I showed up and let it out. We spent the first half hour sobbing and screaming our frustrations together.

For those who think people are crazy for wanting deep police reform, I hope you’ll take a few minutes to read the article. And just feel what it must be like to be thought of this way because of the colour of your skin.

I know this doesn’t represent all cops. But how the f*ck do we give someone like this a gun, a badge and authority over the life and freedom of others?

If you’re silently carrying this grief, I hope you have someone you can sob, scream and gasp with. And if you think you need to hide your grief, your shame, your despair from the world, I can’t tell you what a gift it was to be witnessed in my pain.

Who is the person or people in your life that you trust with your pain, your grief, your despair? People that Brene Brown would say have earned the right to hear your story.

I hope you’ll let yourself be seen, heard and known. As even rushing to find solutions too soon can be a way of checking out of the pain and discomfort.

Most of us aren’t raised to be comfortable with facing into the shadow of our humanity. But I don’t think we can truly heal until we can deeply feel.